I am reading The Color of Water by James McBride for my book club. I am really getting into it, so much that I am staying up too late to read, something I hardly ever do, only because I know I will pay for it (and I did, major headache). Anyway, I read this passage last night and it really made me think about how this feeling McBride had when he was a boy is something that I have experienced.
James McBride, half Jewish, half Black, was at an all white elementary school in NYC when he was a boy, and the kids begged him to dance for them. Finally, even though he was clumsy on his feet, he decided to humor them and actually put the moves on. While he pretended in front of the class, they all cheered, even the teacher hooted. He then went on to say, “They went wild, but even as I sat down with their applause ringing in my ears, with laughter on my face, happy to feel accepted, to be part of them, knowing I had pleased them, I saw the derision on their faces, the clever smiles, laughing at the oddity of it, and I felt the same ache I had felt before…..”
Though I am not a minority and cannot understand certain felt injuries on this matter, I have been a minority in other ways, and at times have felt like McBride, happy to be pleasing to the majority, but also feeling that I was not giving out of authenticity. There are not many feelings worse than that one for me. I also am reminded of how sometimes, I too have mocked another, in hopes that they didn’t know it, and its such a reminder that I too, can cause pain and need to be reminded that people hide their pain really well sometimes. Be nice. Please. And authentic.