LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY by Christa Hardin, excerpted out of Release, 2015
THE ROOTS
Communicating doesn’t always work for you and your spouse and it’s very frustrating at times, right?
Digging deeper into the garden of your marriage has to include communication, thorny as it can be. God only knows how wonderful it feels when conversations can allow spouses to see a window into one another’s soul at our best, and it’s invigorating when it happens. However, when we hurt one another, the poison of negative communication also goes down deep into the crevices of that very same soul. I know you don’t want to be like poison to your spouse because you love them so much, and ideally, even more than you love yourself. Despite the way they treat you, then, make a decision to produce good fruit in your conversation toward them and others. If you are being abused however, please talk more in depth about this as you process with your therapist or coach, or if you’re not working with anyone, get help. Don’t allow it to continue.
Communication is key when it comes to couples who have been married for just a short time and for the long haul too! Words are powerful and as the Bible says (Proverbs 18:21), they have the power of both life and death. However, it’s still important to release hopes for one hundred percent perfect communication at any point of a relationship between two human beings. Although Cinderella and her prince lived happily ever after, we have no reason to believe that they had perfect communication, and if you have seen any of the Disney sequels (or Into the Woods), you know even they get in their share of tiffs in the later days. In essence, every couple can use better communication though no one loves perfectly all of the time. In this chapter, we will move forward with better structure and success for your communication. Your marriage is your own plot of life in this world, and it’s exciting to think about that platform. Let’s build it up together.
STYLES OF COMMUNICATING
Unhealthy ways of communication are a leading factor of couples in conflict, in addition to a lack of rest, quality time, physical touch and some of our other topics of discussion in this book. Some of those started out as styles of communicating for us when we were very small. We became the core of our personalities by the time we were age five, and though some of us changed in our personalities vastly by then, our temperaments were likely formed during these years too large degree. The good news is, God can change anything and anyone, and often does do a radical healing when there has been neglect or abuse in these years. However, it’s worthwhile to examine how you grew up and learned to communicate, both in what you were taught and what you were shown.
Take a few moments to process styles of communication in your own family of origin.
How did your family communicate their joys? Family styles range from loud whoops, going out to dinner, affirming one another, quiet peaceful and blissful moments, hugs, food, happy tears, or gifts, whereas some didn’t get any of that and were part of such a difficult system that even beautiful moments were completely lost in the hurry, neglect or abuse. Either way, share here some of the best ways you celebrated with your family and when you are together and/or with your counselor or coach, share it with them.
What are some of the positives you would like to carry forward into your own style of communicating? What are some of you may like to leave behind that were overwhelming or maybe missed the mark in another way?
Now, try to remember some of the ways your family engaged in other ways, especially in how they shared their frustrations and stresses. This includes an even wider range, in that families can act wildly unpredictable when bad things happen to them. People argue, use abusive language, threaten, cheat, drink, do drugs, shout, neglect, withdraw, leave, become workaholics, and/or thankfully, some positive things too, like tell their families how much they mean to them, rise up to the occasion and meet challenges head on, pray, work hard to provide, and enlist outside support to help the family through crisis. Here is some space to write down ways your family of origin communicated their pain, verbally and nonverbally (through tone or actions, not necessarily words).
What would you like to carry forward from your family of origin? What are some things you’d like to leave behind in this arena? How will you do this? Ideas are below, but maybe you have some of your own or have already done things different to large degree. Do you think your parents or caregivers had dreams for your family? Did any of those dreams get lost along the way? Do you have dreams for your family? Some individuals and couples have dreams they have never shared, or haven’t shared in a long time. Take a few moments to talk about your communication dreams for your family. (e.g. I hope we will often tell jokes around the table, or I want to pray together, I want to have Friday night bonfires, I hope for a weekly date night, I enjoy having time every day to debrief together via email or right after work, I like having no-stress relate time, etc.) Dream big and use present-tense language versus past tense as though these dreams and hopes are completely and forever lost to you.
What are some mutual ways you would enjoy being more intentional about in your couple of family communication style? Take a few minutes to talk this out.
NO THANK YOU!
There are countless personality differences but sometimes a spouse will want to specifically avoid something in his or her spouse’s family of origin, in terms of how they behaved. While sometimes this is unreasonable, many times this is a legitimate request and should be considered. Write down here some things you would like to let go of from your spouse’s family of origin, or not carry forward into your own marriage or family. If your spouse wants to carry it forward, prayer and compromise may be in order, so long as it is not a moral issue. If it is, talk it out with your counselor or coach if you can’t come to a resolution.
Next, here are some ways couples poorly communicate. Do any of these look familiar to you? Take a moment to check this list out with honesty. Be willing to walk away from the negative styles that don’t help you or your spouse and from this point forward, take steps toward a healthier you and marriage!
THE WORST OF TIMES
What are some of your more unhealthy styles of communication?
(Check the box next to the unhealthy styles of communication you have practiced in your relationship).
___ Ignoring each other while speaking
___ Staring at phone while your spouse is talking
___Not spending time thoughtfully processing what your mate says
___No eye contact
___Your tone suggests you are bored
___You rarely, if ever, laugh while talking
___You don’t say anything at all and let the anger and sadness brew inside
___You turn to another person or addiction for love and affection
___Language barriers that aren’t remedied
___You say, “It doesn’t matter, nothing will ever change,” because you have noticed themes and pasterns in your marriage
___You are rudely sarcastic about your spouse’s friends, family or coworkers
___You yell, call names and otherwise insult one another’s character when you disagree about things
What are some of your better styles of communication? Check both things you intend to try as well as positive things you already have in place.
THE BEST OF TIMES
___Waiting until the other is finished speaking before you begin
___Smiling or laughing while your mate tells you a pleasant story
___Asking for clarification before jumping to conclusions
___Mirroring back what you have heard
___Using “I language” in conflict
___Taking a time-out instead of yelling or abusing
___When you notice themes and patterns, you are starting to see it scientifically enough to both analyze and make changes so it won’t be the same again
___Taking deep breaths
___Praying for one another and your marriage quietly or aloud during or immediately following conflict
___Offering an apology without compromising your integrity or dignity as a human being
___Seeing a counselor or coach to help you when you get stuck
___Asking your spouse about their day and listening instead of interrupting or fixing
___Telling your mate when you are frustrated with them at an opportune time and sandwiching that between highlights about them (see SANDWICH METHOD below).
___Talking out a conflict and compromising
___Talking out a conflict and giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt sometimes, choosing their idea
___Saying “I’m sorry” when you have offended your spouse
___Giving space when asked
___Encouraging
___Give their ideas about a situation time to settle in before responding
___Don’t jump the gun, ask questions first
___Putting the phone down during conversation with them
___Emailing or texting if needed to keep conflict at bay and to give it boundaries
___Journaling or calling a trusted mentor who shares your values
___Grabbing shoes and running or exercising to release stress
___Taking a hot bath to soften your emotional intensity
___Offering your spouse a warm hug every day (Adding a kiss would be marvelous!)
___Putting down the heavy load to just relax and in order to not have all hard talks
Love Note: Even if you have a very sarcastic way of relating to one another, don’t judge one another’s intent for change as “next to impossible” or laugh if your spouse checked that they do or want to do something you are doubtful about. People rarely change without support but your support can mean a lot in the way of change, so use your communication to bless them, even if that at times means simply holding your tongue!
THE SANDWICH METHOD
Many times people ask me how another person in a marriage can handle their constructive criticism better. The answer isn’t perfectly easy, since people are never an exact science, which is precisely makes me want to study them. However, certain wonderful trends have been seen, and one of those is sandwiching the negative comment between positives. Another way of saying this is to “stroke, punch (not really punch, but pack a word punch) and then stroke” someone again with your words. Another way of doing this is called “Shared Withholds,” which has a similar principle of surrounding a request fort change with compliments. The bottom line in all circumstances is to sandwich your desire to shape your spouse (or anyone you are trying to positively influence) between feelings about them you have that are more positive. This way, they can more easily handle the blow of your felt rejection of a part of them, which draws out fear and defense. This is probably also why the Bible says, perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), and the reason Jesus calls os to love others first before we judge. He knows our frailty, but when we are sure of love, we no longer live in fear of another person leaving or not loving us. We in fact, also want to grow into our best self,. which is exciting.
What if you continue to hit a roadblock in communicating? It is sometimes the result of an addiction or an affair, of course, but more often than not, couples miss one another in communicating because of either their lack of intent in trying out items in the list in this chapter, or they feel the list was too difficult no matter how hard they tried. If this is the case, move to the next chapter, which will help you to uncover the more issues that need to be released. Venture to the next page for a new journey into the unknown.